Frustrated Inc.

From day one I have gotten shit about being a female in this field. I have recently been given a opportunity to go to grad school. G, who is supposed to be my friend, has made two f-ed up comments about it based on my femininity.

They were: 1) You are not going to grad school for the right reasons. Have you ever heard of going to get your MRS degree? 2) The reason why you got offered the grad position is because you are an attractive female. I am sick of it. Can you really not think of anything better to say when you feel threatened or angry?

K summed up well why I wanted to punch G in the face when he does the smirk. That smirk: "Yes, I just said/did that and what are you going to do about it?"

I have decided I am done with being made to feel I am inferior as a female at work. The next person to make such a comment is getting a warning that I am going to the boss about it. Joking or not I am done. Do not try to define me by my sex. You know nothing of my life and what I have struggled through.

Now that I have worked myself into a frenzy I am am probably close to blowing up but I have a lot of anger to work off. It drives me nuts particularly as I am taking steps to feel better physically andemotionally. Also, this grad project thing can along and it is amazing and exactly what I need.

This quote is exactly how I felt last week. It's amazing to be on the other side of it. Now if people could just stop trying to bring me down. :)

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me."
--Abraham Lincoln

New Years Resolution

So this year for New Year's I have decided my resolution will be to write more. Whether on here or on paper I need to write more to get things out. It helps me focus and fix things straight in my mind. Also, I have a lot of time on my hands in my type of work, riding atvs or walking lines, to think. I think a lot and it would help to remember the important thoughts, ideas, and points of view I am going through.

Right now I am trying to get out anger and sadness I feel at a recent breakup/mess up involving a boy. I liked this boy and thought he liked me too only it turned out he also liked 5 other girls. What a jerk. I am finding it hard to have sympathy for boys especially those who are emotional wrecks and seem to be attracted to me. I had to leave a place of work over this and am still so mad. On top of all this the ex has decided to pull some shit where he thinks we are getting back together (not happening) and the ex-ex had decided to start beinf a d-bag again.

Also, I am getting ready to start a new job far from home. I am so tired of traveling and not exactly excited about this job. It's a monotonous job for a year working with a species I'm not really interested in. But I am trying to remember that I seem to always not like a job at first and then after a week or so I start to. A friend from my last job will be there as well so it will be fine I am sure.

I am just tired of traveling and ready to be home for awhile. It's just me being my moody, crazy self per usual. Which is why I am writing again to bitch, whine, complain, and moan and somewhere along the way keep my sanity.

The Ex-Ex

I can't seem to stop thinking abotu him. From dreams to the call I want to make but know he will never return. I know it is bad news and that it's not going to work out or be what I want. I was fine with it really until the phone incident. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he can't leave me to myself to heal and get over him. 5 years later and I can still get this worked up over him.

I wonder if it has to do with needing to focus on something and not wanting to obsess over the boy I went home with but who is not into me. I just need to stop thinking about boys in general but it's tough to say you want to be single when in reality it's that you have no choice about being single.

I am going to call him and let him have it for closure for myself. I know he will not call back or answer the phone but a secret part of me will hope no matter how often he has let me down. I tell myself it doesn't matter anyway.

I made the decision recently I don't want to go home again for any extended stays. I am out of there for good and I don't have time for the immature, doesn't know what he wants to do with hsi life but party him. I don't have the time or the patience to invest in the dream of what he could be. This is why I think he still likes to keep me around - I remind him that someone out there knows he can do and be better and will always love him. I deserve better and I hope to find better.