I can't seem to stop thinking abotu him. From dreams to the call I want to make but know he will never return. I know it is bad news and that it's not going to work out or be what I want. I was fine with it really until the phone incident. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he can't leave me to myself to heal and get over him. 5 years later and I can still get this worked up over him.
I wonder if it has to do with needing to focus on something and not wanting to obsess over the boy I went home with but who is not into me. I just need to stop thinking about boys in general but it's tough to say you want to be single when in reality it's that you have no choice about being single.
I am going to call him and let him have it for closure for myself. I know he will not call back or answer the phone but a secret part of me will hope no matter how often he has let me down. I tell myself it doesn't matter anyway.
I made the decision recently I don't want to go home again for any extended stays. I am out of there for good and I don't have time for the immature, doesn't know what he wants to do with hsi life but party him. I don't have the time or the patience to invest in the dream of what he could be. This is why I think he still likes to keep me around - I remind him that someone out there knows he can do and be better and will always love him. I deserve better and I hope to find better.