Wonderings....

I've been wanting to come here and write for awhile now but never seem to find the time. I am either extremely sick or work is crazy or the thoughts won't come or someone's on the computer. We went to both Key West (amazing!) and Savannah (booo) on weekend trips among other things.
The ex-ex has asked about me again via a friend. I am tempted to call him and tell him too pull his head out of his ass but I am afraid I would give in and forgive him to easily for being an asshole.
Work is still crazy and I am waiting for it to end. No idea what I am doing yet. I want to stay in the area for the summer and have taken steps to do that up til June. I know I don't really want to go home. I feel it's time to grow up and move out for good. Plus Grad school is calling me and I really want to go- somewhere in the south preferably. TN or UGA or the like.

My mom is getting remarried soon and she's moving into her own home. Thereotically, therefore I don't have a home anymore. The cat is also getting the boot to my brothers. I was trying to fight it so that I could have him with me but I think it's a losing battle when you don't know where you'll be in a couple of months.

Sometimes especially lately it's hard not to feel lonely. I also feel like I am being annoyning and then I isolate myself and feel worse. ALso the stress of the job makes it hard for me to unwind and easy to lose my temper. Part of it is because I haven't been taking my medicene recently. But I have also decided Ineed a hobby and a way to regroup so I have decided to try yoga. I want to see if it will help get me back in shape as well as finding a better, inner me. Here's to the first class we'll see how it goes since I hate exercise and everything healthy for me. :)

The Ex-Ex

I can't seem to stop thinking abotu him. From dreams to the call I want to make but know he will never return. I know it is bad news and that it's not going to work out or be what I want. I was fine with it really until the phone incident. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he can't leave me to myself to heal and get over him. 5 years later and I can still get this worked up over him.

I wonder if it has to do with needing to focus on something and not wanting to obsess over the boy I went home with but who is not into me. I just need to stop thinking about boys in general but it's tough to say you want to be single when in reality it's that you have no choice about being single.

I am going to call him and let him have it for closure for myself. I know he will not call back or answer the phone but a secret part of me will hope no matter how often he has let me down. I tell myself it doesn't matter anyway.

I made the decision recently I don't want to go home again for any extended stays. I am out of there for good and I don't have time for the immature, doesn't know what he wants to do with hsi life but party him. I don't have the time or the patience to invest in the dream of what he could be. This is why I think he still likes to keep me around - I remind him that someone out there knows he can do and be better and will always love him. I deserve better and I hope to find better.