30 days of happiness

Can I do 30 days of happiness? I am guilty of always looking at the negative things in life and never seeing the good things til they're past. I have a habit of being somewhere and looking back at a point in my life and saying "Those were good times in my life. So much fun and much, much better than where I am right now." At the time though I probably thought it was horrible. Its hard to remember the good times and so easy to remember the bad ones.

I live a lot in the past too. So this is also an exercise to try to stay in the here and now. To stop rushing forward to get through something I don't like. To stop, look around, enjoy, think, and be present. So everyday for 30 day I am going to try to write the things or to post a pic of the things that made me happy today.

Day 1: FL: good friends and good times at GEER Conference

Life in Quotes

HOW I FEEL ABOUT OTHERS MOST OF THE TIME

Avoidance
I've learned not to look too closely, she said. Otherwise I'd just keep finding out stuff that'd bug me & we'd never get along.

MY THOUGHTS ON MYSELF LATELY

Trusting the Universe
It's much easier to trust the universe when it's going well, she said.

ON FLORIDA

hot tropical sun aimed without mercy at those who have any ambition whatsoever

Life in quotes

"This is just one of those lives you try & get through, she told me, I'm hoping for better luck next time."

Picture from here: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=14553960
Quote from here: http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/Home.do

Eve's Letter

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for 'The Vagina Monologues', wrote the following about Sarah Palin.


Drill, Drill, Drill


I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was
a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of
drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a
particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or
their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have
never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that
they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar
bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life
trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence
against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the
Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people
who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of
Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical
to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving
the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls
options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence
and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous
choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates
the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas
that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the
impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately,
this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the
inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor.
In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets
better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting
of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the
pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is
fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The
earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves
and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be
taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she
said herself of the Iraqi war, 'It was a task from God.'

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women
who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should
have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or
not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I
imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many
babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she
has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense
with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an
environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and
might very well be the next president of the United States . She would
govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting
rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot
hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private
right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when
war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in
his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the
undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this
election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the
future not just of the U.S. , but of the planet. It will determine
whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever
uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards
dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence
through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we
go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in
alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It
will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or
whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine
whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of
fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your
power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the
hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, 'Drill Drill Drill.' I think of
teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction.
I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force
mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity
or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the
floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between
nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing
we call life?



Eve Ensler

September 5, 2008

Frustrated Inc.

From day one I have gotten shit about being a female in this field. I have recently been given a opportunity to go to grad school. G, who is supposed to be my friend, has made two f-ed up comments about it based on my femininity.

They were: 1) You are not going to grad school for the right reasons. Have you ever heard of going to get your MRS degree? 2) The reason why you got offered the grad position is because you are an attractive female. I am sick of it. Can you really not think of anything better to say when you feel threatened or angry?

K summed up well why I wanted to punch G in the face when he does the smirk. That smirk: "Yes, I just said/did that and what are you going to do about it?"

I have decided I am done with being made to feel I am inferior as a female at work. The next person to make such a comment is getting a warning that I am going to the boss about it. Joking or not I am done. Do not try to define me by my sex. You know nothing of my life and what I have struggled through.

Now that I have worked myself into a frenzy I am am probably close to blowing up but I have a lot of anger to work off. It drives me nuts particularly as I am taking steps to feel better physically andemotionally. Also, this grad project thing can along and it is amazing and exactly what I need.

This quote is exactly how I felt last week. It's amazing to be on the other side of it. Now if people could just stop trying to bring me down. :)

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me."
--Abraham Lincoln

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

New Years Resolution

So this year for New Year's I have decided my resolution will be to write more. Whether on here or on paper I need to write more to get things out. It helps me focus and fix things straight in my mind. Also, I have a lot of time on my hands in my type of work, riding atvs or walking lines, to think. I think a lot and it would help to remember the important thoughts, ideas, and points of view I am going through.

Right now I am trying to get out anger and sadness I feel at a recent breakup/mess up involving a boy. I liked this boy and thought he liked me too only it turned out he also liked 5 other girls. What a jerk. I am finding it hard to have sympathy for boys especially those who are emotional wrecks and seem to be attracted to me. I had to leave a place of work over this and am still so mad. On top of all this the ex has decided to pull some shit where he thinks we are getting back together (not happening) and the ex-ex had decided to start beinf a d-bag again.

Also, I am getting ready to start a new job far from home. I am so tired of traveling and not exactly excited about this job. It's a monotonous job for a year working with a species I'm not really interested in. But I am trying to remember that I seem to always not like a job at first and then after a week or so I start to. A friend from my last job will be there as well so it will be fine I am sure.

I am just tired of traveling and ready to be home for awhile. It's just me being my moody, crazy self per usual. Which is why I am writing again to bitch, whine, complain, and moan and somewhere along the way keep my sanity.

The Ex-Ex

I can't seem to stop thinking abotu him. From dreams to the call I want to make but know he will never return. I know it is bad news and that it's not going to work out or be what I want. I was fine with it really until the phone incident. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he can't leave me to myself to heal and get over him. 5 years later and I can still get this worked up over him.

I wonder if it has to do with needing to focus on something and not wanting to obsess over the boy I went home with but who is not into me. I just need to stop thinking about boys in general but it's tough to say you want to be single when in reality it's that you have no choice about being single.

I am going to call him and let him have it for closure for myself. I know he will not call back or answer the phone but a secret part of me will hope no matter how often he has let me down. I tell myself it doesn't matter anyway.

I made the decision recently I don't want to go home again for any extended stays. I am out of there for good and I don't have time for the immature, doesn't know what he wants to do with hsi life but party him. I don't have the time or the patience to invest in the dream of what he could be. This is why I think he still likes to keep me around - I remind him that someone out there knows he can do and be better and will always love him. I deserve better and I hope to find better.