Wordless Wednesday

Tonsils and Feelings, Oh My!

These are from Design Sponge. I would love to have a bedroom with these windows:

I can't think of anything better than to be able to lay in bed on a spring day with these windows open reading a book.

This bookcase also makes me happy:


I love how the plant becomes part of the design. I have a million bookcases somewhere in storage including one my granddad made me years ago.




I didn't even know this was a condition. Apparently my bf has it. I didn't know til his regular old tonsilectomy turned into a passing out, seizure filled afternoon.

Speaking of tonsils- mine come out on March 8th. The surgery is scary enough not to mention the bills are going to be enormous. I will not be surprised if the hospital asks for my first born to pay off my debt.



Wondering why I got so upset at my mother this weekend. I wasn't aware that I was harboring bitter feelings towards her. Not sure if it was her or the release of pent up frustration and unhappiness for so long. Worried about the amount of money I am going to be owing soon.

Right now I am adrift in the numbness that comes after a good meltdown. Not sure what I want to do or where I am headed but atleast the feelings of being trapped and frustrated/angry are gone.

Life in Quotes

HOW I FEEL ABOUT OTHERS MOST OF THE TIME

Avoidance
I've learned not to look too closely, she said. Otherwise I'd just keep finding out stuff that'd bug me & we'd never get along.

MY THOUGHTS ON MYSELF LATELY

Trusting the Universe
It's much easier to trust the universe when it's going well, she said.

ON FLORIDA

hot tropical sun aimed without mercy at those who have any ambition whatsoever

Frustrated Inc.

From day one I have gotten shit about being a female in this field. I have recently been given a opportunity to go to grad school. G, who is supposed to be my friend, has made two f-ed up comments about it based on my femininity.

They were: 1) You are not going to grad school for the right reasons. Have you ever heard of going to get your MRS degree? 2) The reason why you got offered the grad position is because you are an attractive female. I am sick of it. Can you really not think of anything better to say when you feel threatened or angry?

K summed up well why I wanted to punch G in the face when he does the smirk. That smirk: "Yes, I just said/did that and what are you going to do about it?"

I have decided I am done with being made to feel I am inferior as a female at work. The next person to make such a comment is getting a warning that I am going to the boss about it. Joking or not I am done. Do not try to define me by my sex. You know nothing of my life and what I have struggled through.

Now that I have worked myself into a frenzy I am am probably close to blowing up but I have a lot of anger to work off. It drives me nuts particularly as I am taking steps to feel better physically andemotionally. Also, this grad project thing can along and it is amazing and exactly what I need.

This quote is exactly how I felt last week. It's amazing to be on the other side of it. Now if people could just stop trying to bring me down. :)

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me."
--Abraham Lincoln

Highs and Lows

So my mom thinks I am depressed. I think she's right. I'm not eating or sleeping right and I just don't have the energy for anything. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to get rid of negative vibes in my life. Work was so stressful right before I left and I just couldn't take it. I came home for a vacation and its like those negative vibes followed me right back here. Between my friends and my boy I don't know what's going on. People just don't seem to have the time for me and I can't seem to find the energy for them. I'm going back to Jekyll early to escape these vibes but I am afraid they'll follow me right back. I'm so sick of this A Team vs. B Team crap. Grow up people we're not fifth graders. I don't understand why people want to be like that. I'm not a Buddhist or anything like that but I do believe in karma. I try so hard to send out positive vibes and happy stuff but all this negative energy is killing what little energy I do have. I just don't know how to fix myself anymore.

So I am back and never happier. Although as it turns out as soon as I got out on the road my friends started calling me. Where are you? Why did you leave already? What are you doing tonight? But here makes all the difference. I am sure once the kids come back it might be wrose. I might be depressed again and feeling screwed over. Now though? I feel like I belong with a great group of girls who like to hang out and chill. Just doing the things I would normally do at home and be antisocial by doing I can do here with a group of people. Most of the time that's what they are already doing. I love it.

D called and we made up so I guess that's over. She had some news about my ex ex bf. What an asshole. He's pissed I didn't give him my new number. After 5 months of him not picking up the phone, calling, or returning phone calls, 4 months of me not even having a phone, and then 3 months of having this new phone its only now he realizes that I've changed my number. Maybe if he was a better friend he would have known before now. He has the nerve to bitch about me not being a good friend cause I didn't tell him about the new phone. Jerk.

Definately feeling better though. The karma here is good. I hope it stays this way. I feel we have weeded out the negative influences and now things should be a lot better. It's a good time to start over.

I haven't talked to my boy in forever but oh well. He was starting to get on my nerves anyway. Plus, he didn't have time for me even though he knew break was the only time I'd ever get to see him. You know since he's moving across the country and all.

I can hear the ocean outside the door. It's so soothing and peaceful as I write this. I really couldn't be happier right now.