The Ex-Ex

I can't seem to stop thinking abotu him. From dreams to the call I want to make but know he will never return. I know it is bad news and that it's not going to work out or be what I want. I was fine with it really until the phone incident. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he can't leave me to myself to heal and get over him. 5 years later and I can still get this worked up over him.

I wonder if it has to do with needing to focus on something and not wanting to obsess over the boy I went home with but who is not into me. I just need to stop thinking about boys in general but it's tough to say you want to be single when in reality it's that you have no choice about being single.

I am going to call him and let him have it for closure for myself. I know he will not call back or answer the phone but a secret part of me will hope no matter how often he has let me down. I tell myself it doesn't matter anyway.

I made the decision recently I don't want to go home again for any extended stays. I am out of there for good and I don't have time for the immature, doesn't know what he wants to do with hsi life but party him. I don't have the time or the patience to invest in the dream of what he could be. This is why I think he still likes to keep me around - I remind him that someone out there knows he can do and be better and will always love him. I deserve better and I hope to find better.

Highs and Lows

So my mom thinks I am depressed. I think she's right. I'm not eating or sleeping right and I just don't have the energy for anything. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to get rid of negative vibes in my life. Work was so stressful right before I left and I just couldn't take it. I came home for a vacation and its like those negative vibes followed me right back here. Between my friends and my boy I don't know what's going on. People just don't seem to have the time for me and I can't seem to find the energy for them. I'm going back to Jekyll early to escape these vibes but I am afraid they'll follow me right back. I'm so sick of this A Team vs. B Team crap. Grow up people we're not fifth graders. I don't understand why people want to be like that. I'm not a Buddhist or anything like that but I do believe in karma. I try so hard to send out positive vibes and happy stuff but all this negative energy is killing what little energy I do have. I just don't know how to fix myself anymore.

So I am back and never happier. Although as it turns out as soon as I got out on the road my friends started calling me. Where are you? Why did you leave already? What are you doing tonight? But here makes all the difference. I am sure once the kids come back it might be wrose. I might be depressed again and feeling screwed over. Now though? I feel like I belong with a great group of girls who like to hang out and chill. Just doing the things I would normally do at home and be antisocial by doing I can do here with a group of people. Most of the time that's what they are already doing. I love it.

D called and we made up so I guess that's over. She had some news about my ex ex bf. What an asshole. He's pissed I didn't give him my new number. After 5 months of him not picking up the phone, calling, or returning phone calls, 4 months of me not even having a phone, and then 3 months of having this new phone its only now he realizes that I've changed my number. Maybe if he was a better friend he would have known before now. He has the nerve to bitch about me not being a good friend cause I didn't tell him about the new phone. Jerk.

Definately feeling better though. The karma here is good. I hope it stays this way. I feel we have weeded out the negative influences and now things should be a lot better. It's a good time to start over.

I haven't talked to my boy in forever but oh well. He was starting to get on my nerves anyway. Plus, he didn't have time for me even though he knew break was the only time I'd ever get to see him. You know since he's moving across the country and all.

I can hear the ocean outside the door. It's so soothing and peaceful as I write this. I really couldn't be happier right now.

New Job

I have taken a position as an Environmental Education instructor on Jekyll Island. It's a Coastal Barrier Island about 12 hrs from here and to those who know how I feel about Assateague it's an awesome opportunity to live and work in a similar situation. It seems like it's going to be a really cool place and I am looking forward to being there. I'll be teaching EE to mostly 4th-8th graders with some other age groups thrown in from time to time. The classes are mainly outdoor classes on the geography, flora, fauna, and natural processes of the island as well as current environmental issues. They provide me room and board with a nice salary so I am well compensated. I leave on October 30th to start so it's not to long now.

Unfortunately, they don't allow pets and I am not sure what I am going to do with my cat while I am gone. He is not making it any easier by being more cute and clinging than usual. Hopefully my brother will take him again although he already has a cat so I am not sure about that option either.

Working girl

So I am currently looking for a new job. I hate the process of job searching. I hate trying to sell myself, filling out applications, and writing cover letters. All for them to say "While we were impressed with your resume we have found someone better suited to the position." It's crap because if they were so impressed with me they would have hired me. But they didn't and I am still unemployed. Which sucks because I need the money and the boredom is killing me. Why can't a job just fall into my lap without me having to do anything? In a perfect world places would be knocking my door down to hire ME

First time

I just put this up recently. I tried to have an online page before but it didn't exactly work out. Hopefully this one will be better. I plan on making it work.

Apple Butter Festival

I've been feeling really bad lately. I have got an awesome cold and sore throat. I get sick every year except for last year because of being in nice, warm TX. So this is a nice welcome back to the land of real winter, Jennifer! HAHAHAHA!!!! (That was supposed to be winter or WV talking) I hate it. I only surface out of my drug induced sleep to eat and occasionally pet the cat who seems to think that laying on my face and purring is the way I will feel better. I hate getting sick because for me it usually ends in bronchitis or pneumonia because I am stubborn when it comes to doctors. You go and waste all your money for them to say take some over the counter stuff you'll be fine but then when I don't go it ends in the worse way with me severely sick and usually in need of antibiotics.

Also, this weekend is the Apple Butter Festival. It sounds dumb I know but its a whole big event centered around the making of Apple Butter- it's a craft show, carnival, parade, and party in one. It's a lot of fun and I usually go every year dragging my friends from "the city" down who can't get enough of the small town quaintness. There's almost always some sort of partying going on as well. Last year was the best year ever with all my very best friends at a kick ass party that lasted well into the night, riding my nephews crotch rocket, and my friends buying out the patrons in wine, apple butter, and other nifty items. This year I am sick, most of my friends are away or not talking to one another and the majority of us are broke. I still think I will have a good time if I can rally myself into it but nothing will compare to the ultimateness that was last year.