New Years Resolution

So this year for New Year's I have decided my resolution will be to write more. Whether on here or on paper I need to write more to get things out. It helps me focus and fix things straight in my mind. Also, I have a lot of time on my hands in my type of work, riding atvs or walking lines, to think. I think a lot and it would help to remember the important thoughts, ideas, and points of view I am going through.

Right now I am trying to get out anger and sadness I feel at a recent breakup/mess up involving a boy. I liked this boy and thought he liked me too only it turned out he also liked 5 other girls. What a jerk. I am finding it hard to have sympathy for boys especially those who are emotional wrecks and seem to be attracted to me. I had to leave a place of work over this and am still so mad. On top of all this the ex has decided to pull some shit where he thinks we are getting back together (not happening) and the ex-ex had decided to start beinf a d-bag again.

Also, I am getting ready to start a new job far from home. I am so tired of traveling and not exactly excited about this job. It's a monotonous job for a year working with a species I'm not really interested in. But I am trying to remember that I seem to always not like a job at first and then after a week or so I start to. A friend from my last job will be there as well so it will be fine I am sure.

I am just tired of traveling and ready to be home for awhile. It's just me being my moody, crazy self per usual. Which is why I am writing again to bitch, whine, complain, and moan and somewhere along the way keep my sanity.

Wonderings....

I've been wanting to come here and write for awhile now but never seem to find the time. I am either extremely sick or work is crazy or the thoughts won't come or someone's on the computer. We went to both Key West (amazing!) and Savannah (booo) on weekend trips among other things.
The ex-ex has asked about me again via a friend. I am tempted to call him and tell him too pull his head out of his ass but I am afraid I would give in and forgive him to easily for being an asshole.
Work is still crazy and I am waiting for it to end. No idea what I am doing yet. I want to stay in the area for the summer and have taken steps to do that up til June. I know I don't really want to go home. I feel it's time to grow up and move out for good. Plus Grad school is calling me and I really want to go- somewhere in the south preferably. TN or UGA or the like.

My mom is getting remarried soon and she's moving into her own home. Thereotically, therefore I don't have a home anymore. The cat is also getting the boot to my brothers. I was trying to fight it so that I could have him with me but I think it's a losing battle when you don't know where you'll be in a couple of months.

Sometimes especially lately it's hard not to feel lonely. I also feel like I am being annoyning and then I isolate myself and feel worse. ALso the stress of the job makes it hard for me to unwind and easy to lose my temper. Part of it is because I haven't been taking my medicene recently. But I have also decided Ineed a hobby and a way to regroup so I have decided to try yoga. I want to see if it will help get me back in shape as well as finding a better, inner me. Here's to the first class we'll see how it goes since I hate exercise and everything healthy for me. :)

The Ex-Ex

I can't seem to stop thinking abotu him. From dreams to the call I want to make but know he will never return. I know it is bad news and that it's not going to work out or be what I want. I was fine with it really until the phone incident. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he can't leave me to myself to heal and get over him. 5 years later and I can still get this worked up over him.

I wonder if it has to do with needing to focus on something and not wanting to obsess over the boy I went home with but who is not into me. I just need to stop thinking about boys in general but it's tough to say you want to be single when in reality it's that you have no choice about being single.

I am going to call him and let him have it for closure for myself. I know he will not call back or answer the phone but a secret part of me will hope no matter how often he has let me down. I tell myself it doesn't matter anyway.

I made the decision recently I don't want to go home again for any extended stays. I am out of there for good and I don't have time for the immature, doesn't know what he wants to do with hsi life but party him. I don't have the time or the patience to invest in the dream of what he could be. This is why I think he still likes to keep me around - I remind him that someone out there knows he can do and be better and will always love him. I deserve better and I hope to find better.

Highs and Lows

So my mom thinks I am depressed. I think she's right. I'm not eating or sleeping right and I just don't have the energy for anything. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to get rid of negative vibes in my life. Work was so stressful right before I left and I just couldn't take it. I came home for a vacation and its like those negative vibes followed me right back here. Between my friends and my boy I don't know what's going on. People just don't seem to have the time for me and I can't seem to find the energy for them. I'm going back to Jekyll early to escape these vibes but I am afraid they'll follow me right back. I'm so sick of this A Team vs. B Team crap. Grow up people we're not fifth graders. I don't understand why people want to be like that. I'm not a Buddhist or anything like that but I do believe in karma. I try so hard to send out positive vibes and happy stuff but all this negative energy is killing what little energy I do have. I just don't know how to fix myself anymore.

So I am back and never happier. Although as it turns out as soon as I got out on the road my friends started calling me. Where are you? Why did you leave already? What are you doing tonight? But here makes all the difference. I am sure once the kids come back it might be wrose. I might be depressed again and feeling screwed over. Now though? I feel like I belong with a great group of girls who like to hang out and chill. Just doing the things I would normally do at home and be antisocial by doing I can do here with a group of people. Most of the time that's what they are already doing. I love it.

D called and we made up so I guess that's over. She had some news about my ex ex bf. What an asshole. He's pissed I didn't give him my new number. After 5 months of him not picking up the phone, calling, or returning phone calls, 4 months of me not even having a phone, and then 3 months of having this new phone its only now he realizes that I've changed my number. Maybe if he was a better friend he would have known before now. He has the nerve to bitch about me not being a good friend cause I didn't tell him about the new phone. Jerk.

Definately feeling better though. The karma here is good. I hope it stays this way. I feel we have weeded out the negative influences and now things should be a lot better. It's a good time to start over.

I haven't talked to my boy in forever but oh well. He was starting to get on my nerves anyway. Plus, he didn't have time for me even though he knew break was the only time I'd ever get to see him. You know since he's moving across the country and all.

I can hear the ocean outside the door. It's so soothing and peaceful as I write this. I really couldn't be happier right now.

New Job

I have taken a position as an Environmental Education instructor on Jekyll Island. It's a Coastal Barrier Island about 12 hrs from here and to those who know how I feel about Assateague it's an awesome opportunity to live and work in a similar situation. It seems like it's going to be a really cool place and I am looking forward to being there. I'll be teaching EE to mostly 4th-8th graders with some other age groups thrown in from time to time. The classes are mainly outdoor classes on the geography, flora, fauna, and natural processes of the island as well as current environmental issues. They provide me room and board with a nice salary so I am well compensated. I leave on October 30th to start so it's not to long now.

Unfortunately, they don't allow pets and I am not sure what I am going to do with my cat while I am gone. He is not making it any easier by being more cute and clinging than usual. Hopefully my brother will take him again although he already has a cat so I am not sure about that option either.

Working girl

So I am currently looking for a new job. I hate the process of job searching. I hate trying to sell myself, filling out applications, and writing cover letters. All for them to say "While we were impressed with your resume we have found someone better suited to the position." It's crap because if they were so impressed with me they would have hired me. But they didn't and I am still unemployed. Which sucks because I need the money and the boredom is killing me. Why can't a job just fall into my lap without me having to do anything? In a perfect world places would be knocking my door down to hire ME

First time

I just put this up recently. I tried to have an online page before but it didn't exactly work out. Hopefully this one will be better. I plan on making it work.